Security, Solace, Succession
Veritas sine Memoria
The Cult Corporation is here to help you secure your salvation because your solace is vital to the succession. You are our most valued asset, and we have an obligation to protect you from whatever threats might present themselves. To that end, I am pleased to announce a new line of security services designed to keep your mind and soul safe—from intruders and assailants both physical, technological, and mental:
- • Security Consultation for Clients with Weaknesses (a professional assessment of vulnerabilities in client systems)
- • Securing Your Soul (assistance in exorcising demonic influences)
- • Personal Protection Services (protection against typical and supernatural threats)
- • Paranormal Investigations (of strange places and things)
- • Psychic Protection (against psychic attacks)
- • Psychic Suppression Services (to prevent psychic intrusions into other people’s heads)
- • Brain Washing (for clients who’ve been brainwashed by bad movies or books, or by their own dark thoughts)
- • Mind Control Technology (additional power for mind-control applications)
- • High Tech Shamanism (high-tech shamanic rituals to enhance your spiritual experience)
- • Alien Abduction Insurance (ensures access to treatment and further protection from abduction by aliens)
- • Mental Wardrobe Management
Now accepting applications! Inquire about enrollment by following the link at the top of the page. Remember: a new life, a secured soul, and eternal salvation await you with higher employment- enlist today.
Disclaimer: All applicants must accept and adhere to a strict non-disclosure agreement as well as submit to a series of medical, psychological, and spiritual exams to ensure applicants’ suitability for consideration. The Cult Corporation reserves the right to decline service at its sole discretion. Any breach of confidentiality will result in immediate termination and banishment from all cult activity. The Cult Corporation will not be held liable for any injuries, psychological conditions, or “possessions” one may or may not acquire by application examinations.